so sharkside is coming along better than we have any right to expect. it took me a long time in life for my actions to match up to my idealism and even after i quit poisoning myself every day, i still needed to meet the right people.

[sorry this is my egoistic take on our local skate collective, everyone else can tell it in their words].

jacob and i are both interested in preserving the indigenous homeless population that haunt the woods bordering our slab of paradise. not content to not push them out, we’d like to plant food for them, us.

i know a tomato isn’t the first thing i clamored for when i was homeless and hungry but not only does it add to the aesthetic value [like ladybird johnson’s MO] but it can make a boring soup kitchen sandwich more alive. i hope that didn’t read as daft and clueless as the minutemen guarding the border who carry garlic and water for the Mexicans they detain. or as self congratulatory as protesters who shut down traffic for a few hours or get someone fired.

it’s a start.

Quinny did most of the finishing work on our pyramid[after we butted heads for a spell], our piece de resistance and though you can’t see them here, i planted nasturtiums. they’re an edible flower, as much for aesthetic shock value [he’s eating flower petals!] and redefining what we think of as food as it is actual ‘sustenance’ but it’s our 2nd gambit.

our tertiary move will be dropping strawberries from my yard that are past their prime into the grass gap or other green spaces so that the tenacious berry plants can proliferate next yr and take over. i’m on that johnny appleseed in the city.

then i want to transplant a mulberry tree if anyone has a sapling, god bless! there’s already one there but i’m afraid it can’t produce berries w/out a friend in the area so i’d really like to move on that.

more tomatoes in the ground will reproduce next yr [my raised beds are a mess w/ the descendants of tomatoes past].

the rest of the sharkside collective asides Ali, are mostly all Clarkies. we’ve chopped it up about diversity. i’m not ‘for diversity for diversity’s sake’ per se but it’s sort of that way organically and that’s awesome. i’m down for any type of skater [provided they pick up their own trash]. we’re welcoming to anyone.

but supposing skating isn’t what girls are into, this can be our autonomous zone to share for other purposes. i can always use a hand planting and so long as your freedom doesn’t infringe on the gnar gnar, make sharkside yours too.

i wish there were more girls there. i’m homophobic as shit! i can’t pass my own reflection w/out bristling.

^them’s jokes if you can’t tell but it is rad when different folks are there. 2 vodka swilling sexagenarian homeless ladies told me they heard sharkside was a ‘safe place’ as they watched us work from the shade, heckling and offering encouragement. i shared Quinny’s grapes and our water w/ them.

we had an acquaintance named ‘Shadow’ who drank and lived in the woods nearby when we started the plaza. he always looked out for us, was an amazing sketch artist and may have frozen to death over the winter. hoping he makes an appearance or that his hardship was enough for his folks to take him back. he’d drank himself onto the streets like i used to do except he’d earned his PTSD being a vet while i just got mine stateside.

maybe we can incorporate shelters into future obstacles? like a slant bank that’s also a tiny room, a cement lean to.  give people a place to sleep and skate, like the opposite of multi-no use benches. what cockblocks skating is also anti homeless person being able to lay down.

on the subject of hostile architecture, i am a fan of pricker bushes as inhibiting trespass, so long as they harbor delicious fruit. i’d love to propagate blackberries [black raspberries? whatever you call em] around the border of the squatted property.

if anyone has other ideas, i’m down to facilitate them or at least chop it up about them. it could be a free auditorium where my boy Gabriel can do a workshop on mycelium and how mushrooms run tings, tings no run mushrooms. or Filipino knife fighting. he’s wicked diverse. or the wormside boys can teach us a thing or 2 about pouring cement [totally not a scam to get them to do a better job at expanding sharkside]. or i can wax didactic about urban foraging or honeybees since it’s one of the few things i know.

get train doc on the horn, we could be a food forest/safe sleeping area for train kids who stop in the Worm. maybe i’m just jealous wormside is on the crew change but them kids come through and buy weed too so i can use that to re-invest in materials.

if anyone just thinks what we’re doing is rad, thank you, we know.

just kidding but if you wanna be down, you’re down. come by, pick up a broom, drop off some marble or angle iron, we’re looking for nonbiodegradable, non trash items mostly although i’d be into an arsty installation w/ old tvs or laptops cemented into a wall so we can carve over dead consumer products. there’s a metaphor in there somewhere but mostly i dig on the idiosyncratic obstacle.

we’ll take dollars too if you wanna help out that way, cement gets pricey but mostly we’re hamstrung by responsibility, lack of volunteers w/ the same time off or vehicles. it’s labor of love like frente! and ever evolving like society.

if you know how to get shirts or hats printed up cheap, maybe that can be our way of financially saying ‘damn the man, save the empire!’

here’s our most up to date ‘walk through’ filmed before the pyramid was finished or SHARKWAVE! jersey barrier was delivered.

“the Jews have kept the sabbath and the sabbath has kept the Jews” — law and order SVU

I.E. if we take care of the spot, the spot will take care of us

i’ve noticed that you get to play all the roles if you live long enough. people who clowned you for being a junkie will ask you for things, dopesick. people who were ahead of you fall behind. girls will treat you the way you treated girls.

so i was arguing w/ my college gang at our DIY. i don’t think there’s a vast ‘white privilege’ as the media would have us believe. yes, there is a thing called racism. but to not be a victim of racism isn’t a privilege, it’s normal. racism is a – not being white as a +.

ya know that LBJ quote ‘if you can convince the lowest white man he’s higher than all blacks he won’t notice you’re picking his pocket, he’ll give you money”?

that’s how i feel w/ this talk, it makes nonwhites automatically handicapped or ‘underpriveleged’ which is more damning to the psyche. also, privileged whites shouldn’t project their privilege onto other people who maybe didn’t have it so good but are white.

when the country was started w/ it’s high minded ideals [based on indian longhouse meetings] the rights bestowed on americans only extended to LAND OWNING white men. so from jump street it’s been anti common man, pro bourgie.

so this artificial divide between poor people, supposing one is somehow privileged and deserving of their bad luck whereas the other, lacking any agency is a mere victim.

fuck outta here w/ all that.

we dictate our own circumstances, some times it spite of great odds but we all choose our way. took me a long time to stop blaming my parents, the english, america, the prison industrial complex who took away 2 of my teenage yrs for a fistfight and nonconformity, corporations and anything else.

when i lived at evergreen i went to see Upski speak. he had an effeminate richard simmons-esque delivery but he was good. ‘ok, we don’t like this. what are ya gonna do about it?”

to everything. he wanted action not words. donations not virtue signalling.

so that’s my challenge. if you’re feeling guilty about your privilege then don’t shrug like it’s a burden feeling bad about it. share your privilege.

buy a nonprivileged person lunch. spend time in a different culture. eat an underprivileged pussy.

the way some northerners view the south, most w/out having spent time there is so prejudicial. to equate southerners w/ racism would be like equating blacks w/ violence. i know the news shows it and some members of said community relish in it but it’s not the whole story.

white people are not a monolith, neither are americans, england or anyone else. painting in broad strokes behind fear is the same mentality that racists have. ya’ll know the trite saying ‘hate only creates hate, only love can trump hate’ is true, right?

you can’t kill all your problems and you can’t ‘educate’ them in school. ya have to live together.

be homeless and depend on the kindness of strangers and you’ll have a new understanding of people.

when i was a kid hanging out at Evergreen i was mad at all the institutions but now i’m Upski.

“what are you gonna do about?”

i’ve become a self described expert on dental health since i fucked off my own jibs at the methadone clinic.

ok, i had a head start getting arrested as a kid and older, not really feeling those 3 inch toothbrushes. to my detriment!

and in certain locales like portland, your property gets locked up at a different jail for property while you get housed in the warehouse for people. and sometimes i didn’t make it a point to get  it out right away, once even allowing 2 wks to elapse.

i digress.

the main problem how drugs damage your teeth is because they dry it out. that’s it, so simple, i know. yes, i have noticed crack smokers are oft missing that front tooth where they lay the pipe so i’ll allow the heat and smoke does something ill but mostly, tweak, opiates, yayo even the soft and gentle drug, marijuana dries your mouth allowing bacteria to have a feild day.

they squat your mouth anyways but w/out saliva to evict them and keep some semblance of order, those same bacteria are going forth and multiplying and sprawling over the sidewalks. drinking sidewalk slams.

slamming into old ladies [the beneficial bacteria of your mouth].

so like, you’ll wanna shitcan the dryness by any means necessary.

because i didn’t get off clinic for 5 months, compounded by not seeing a dentist for about 20 yrs, not taking great care of my teeth, ingesting poisons and all around not planning to outlive my jibs, guess what happened?

i lost some real pancho molars.

so i’ll never be able to afford one tooth, nonetheless a bunch in the states. i could’ve gone to Mexico for cheaper but A/ i’ve been there twice and that’s a trite ass place to use your passport on and B/ it’s lucy lawless ‘n’ a motherfucker!

so i C/osta Rica’d it and here we are.

the clinic [DentaVac] is high end and swanky. they picked me up at the airport, brought me to my room and bring me from here to all my appts.

granted i’ve given them $2945 over the course of a wk so damn right they’re gonna pick up their investment.

but i’ve never heard of that happening stateside.

i don’t have a license, phone or credit card so i’m kinda in the dark ages here. as great of strides as i’ve made in the last few yrs is as much of a teenager i still resemble in activities.

one of the drivers showed me the skatepark in Guachapelin and i returned on my own, skated my face and shoulders red.

got kinda vibed out by one of the receptionists, my burn is flaking off, my thrasher hoodie i inherited from Rusty is stained, i’ve got sharks on my socks.

i came here to get screws driven into my jawbone and chew bubblegum.

the surgeon was a young [i wanna say black] fellow and took about 20 minutes per side to drill 4 holes in total.

then he screwed in a screw right behind my farthest back bottom left. left a space and drilled another screw  in directly under my furthest back top tooth. so at the end of my 8 bottom teeth we’ve got ‘screw/space/screw’.

a bridge is gonna connect those 2 and carry a 3rd in the middle. so i saved $1300 by getting 2 not 3 screws on both sides.

pray it don’t bite me in the ass.

it’s gonna run me $1300 more next trip to get those no holed, freeloading teeth put in. i mean that vs just getting 2 screws/2 teeth on either side.

that was an option. getting 3 screws/3 teeth would cost $2600 more over 2 trips.

so i told you what i dropped this time and next time, $650 X 6 teeth is $3900 i guess. i’ve got 6 months to sell honey, strawberries and mopeds, hope to make it close and borrow whatever is left. had to go $600 into arrears on this trip and still needed my gf to wire me money [which she sent moneygram, told me was westie and as a result i wasted 3 trips to walmart and still haven’t gotten it out. fuck!]

oh, scripts cost a fortune here too.

they wrote me 3 for almost $100 but i settled for 2 at $66. still way too damn much and if i could’ve googled first, i would’ve dropped the non opioid painkiller [miracox? more like microcox] and just gotten the $20-30 fucking antibiotic. maybe bring something from the states if needed but don’t count on them to lace you and don’t count on insurance making your script $3.65.

all in all, i’m pleased thus far. the dentist office does try to sneak a lot of extras but i told them i was stuck at $2900. wish i’d been steadfast and not allowed the $50 cleaning since i get those for free in the states but alas.

guess i’ll know better next yr if it’s worth it. or in 10 yrs if they’re still in there like swimwear.

maybe i’ll do a follow up that’s either a glowing endorsement or a dreadful cautionary tale.

either way i am proud i made it and did what i said i would.

i got to san jose ok and a guy named Adrian [pronounced alley-on] brought me to my room that my sister rented me online.

the kid at the counter’s english was more lacking than my spanish but via google translate he intimated that i’d need a physical copy of Ruby’s card to get the room. i called her to cancel the order, gave the kermit voiced kid $346 and got a small [by US standards] room w/ a tv that’s all Spanish channels [imagine that]. i prolly should’ve only got a few days but i’m in for the wk so at least that’s not a concern.

there’s a decent amount of litter in the city and kids doing the ‘walk of shame’ w/ a cup on regular roads not offramps. one kid busted out bowling pins and was juggling for drug money.

there’s graffiti everywhere too. and an abundance of barbed wire, spiked gates and barred windows.

that said, it’s not dangerous feeling, just sort of like 90s LA, maybe?

actually, LA was bad then so not an apt comparison.

the skatepark is a tiny 3/4 bowl, couple flatbars and a ledge or 2 inside a park w/ a few walls but also a large swath of opening for your board to shoot out into a busy road.

i chatted w/ some kids, one of whom had come to Charlestown and Somerville and cleaned for $10 an hour and brought it back here.

not everyone speaks english like i expected or maybe they just don’t wanna talk to me? i feel patronizing at times w/ my limited spanish like a gringo going ‘bring me 2 cervezas please’.  talked to a girl at a health food grocery for about a half hour in search of coffee.

we wrote to supplement our missing words and it worked out but obviously i’m not gonna carry pen and paper everywhere. or maybe i should?

aesthetically, san jose is full of traffic and smoggy but there’s palm trees, bamboo and all sorts of cool vegetation and strange birds in it.

in the background there’s mountains up to the clouds and they’re green and steep and pretty. maybe it’s cause i’ve lived on Maui but it looks familiar and i’m not blown away but it’s definitely cool looking.

the trash is kept in these metal barred boxes a few ft off the ground [almost like giant mailboxes] to keep wild dogs from tearing into them.

roads could be smoother and lots of holes in the ground, sewer and otherwise.

it’s also really modern and fancy looking buildings as well as some tin roof shacks [still w/ barbed wire and spikes].

i got my passport stamp and i guess i feel like i should have some as an adult or whatever but it’s also something facile and not ‘earned’. lots of kids parents send them to Europe or whatever, i’d thought of getting stamps as an achievement but it’s equally just a purchase.

webcam-toy-photo11 (1)i’m sposedta go for surgery tomorrow, fingers crossed. then that sets me up to come back in 6 months but i’d like to go somewhere different every yr.

i’d also really like someone else to go w/. it’s hard breaking into a new place, especially if you can’t speak the language. i don’t think i was ever a dick about anyone not speaking english but i’ve got a new sympathy.

and besides the stereotype that it’s rude and unsuccessful, talking to the girl at grocery store proved that saying everything slow does make a difference. spanish sentences can sound like one long sing-song word to me but spoken slow i can break up and digest the words i know and via context, fill in the ones i don’t.

like a blind person sees a little light, most people understand a bit of the language of their host country.

i took the 755AM greyhound to Springfield and my gf swooped me up. we drove past Cosby show-esque brownstones, rougher hewn brick homes and abandoned businesses and we each remarked that the other’s hometown looked depressed and a little scary.

Worcester is gentrifying to me. we both missed days gone by and headed to Northampton to spend the day. took a little ‘magic honey’ that wasn’t enough to hallucinate but enough to be giggly ordering food.

in the 10 yrs or so since we met, i traveled north america and got hepatitus, she graduated Mt Holyoke. i mostly write when stuff is bad between us but most of the time it’s rad. the time’s it’s not, a lot of that is internet miscommunication. modern time is a blessing and a curse like anything.

bussed home at night and the Berkshire mountains in the distance might as well be the Rockies. or my favorites, those large yellow hills w/ random thick trees but never a forest that abound in NorCal. although the first dozen or so times i rode greyhound through there i thought it was Oregon.

regardless of the arbitrary manmade distinction, as a 22 yr old, horny for life, i’d been enamored w/ those hills and the sparse but frequent trees.

https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/california-landscape-rolling-golden-hills-oak-140135629?irgwc=1&utm_medium=Affiliate&utm_campaign=Amarelo%20s.r.o.&utm_source=95937&utm_term=

like Chris McCandless before me [though i was ignorant of him at the time] i thought i could live under those trees on way too steep to climb unless you’re a mountain goat hills. i had no survival skills but i beleived in my innate ability that ‘society has driven out of us’. i thought it would come back to me, instinct and the knowledge we’ve been divorced from.

prolly a stupid fucking idea.

but leaving my gf in western Mass and seeing the mountains dark against a darker sky before the lights that mean food [and used to mean cigarette breaks] ahead brought me back. maybe to naivete or maybe just bravery that’s been lacking in my wintry existence.

Costa Rica in 4 days.

i know i can find food there, living off the land wouldn’t be the concern. integrating into the people is.

when i was in 2011 detroit, one of the first people i met was ‘D’. he had above the knee shorts, boat shoes and a t-shirt w/ a tiny backpack. clean shaved white dude who asked me and melissa to spare change as we sat on our bags.

‘man, do i look like i can spare some change? we hobo-ing’ i told him.

i like anachronistic language and also i think i wanted to say ‘we travel, we’re not stuck here’.

D ended up coming w/ the squat we moved into. he wasn’t the one to invite us and he lived down the hall w/ dumpstered weed plants hanging from his ceiling.

he was a character.

‘oh, i take it too far sometimes. i’ve had the dealers around me in the shower at a hotel w/ razors out. yep, i called my stepfamily and told them i was in jail, they wired the money. they don’t talk to me anymore.’

D was such a con artist that you didn’t feel bad for any harm that befell him. he’d get punched in the face for giving dealer by the old folk’s home on Woodward a foodcard for drugs then canceling the card before the money turned on.

Marty had long greasy hair and wore a mechanic’s blue onesie. first time i seen him he goes ‘can you guys possibly spare anything?’

he was desperate but he had kind of a rock star thing going. Marty was sick!

according to D i got to know Marty’s folklore. he was from Roseville but he lived in the D now. he only did speedballs so instead of a $5 blow he had to come up w/ $10 every shot. D was jealous because when they first hung out in an alley behind Greektown, they’d gone half on a rock and MArty had gotten a good hit but someone came out and cockblocked D’s hit as he was taking it. D actually harbored resentment about that hit for months.

i seen Marty on the bus and he said ‘the cops took me to Operation Getdown [shelter]. the worst is they stole my coat w/ all my works in it. do you kids got any rigs?’

D told me Marty lived in a traphouse. ‘does he sneak in and out or do the dealers tolerate him?’

D goes ‘i don’t know, there’s a house missing half a roof. Marty sleeps on the side w/ a roof. the dealers are downstairs.

D was adopted and had a life and family in Georgia. he’d also been to prison and burned all his bridges. he brought home a crackhead who scammed all the squatters in our building and picked up a hammer to defend the old man. he pretty much sucked. i like to think he is dead in an abando somewhere.

Marty? no idea, he was a lone wolf instead of living in the building full of white junkbombs like us. he might’ve lived or he could’ve died and left behind a bunch of songs like Cranford Nix.

my old dealer in Detroit said that once. what i see as the one major factor in all the mass shooters, it’s unloved guys. i know there have been a few females too but generally it’s lonesome, angry guys.

i bet most school shootings could’ve been pre-empted by a handjob. not rules, regulations, fear of punishment or any other tried and trite method.

handjob, blandjob, i don’t understand job. that’s it. nobody shoots up a school w/ empty balls.

i’m not the most loving person. i ignore people all the time because i guess i’m scarred by being ignored for yrs while homeless. i’m not advocating statuatory rape but if there were legal whores and these fucked up kids could get it in, i swear this shit would stop. not that it’s a big deal in the larger picture. i mean, given the state of the environment and the fact that our government has nukes and threatens to use them, 20 people here and there is small fries.

i think nuclear and then police disarmament is what we should be pushing for first and foremost. willie d brought up some great points on here.

he goes ‘giving the police your guns is like chopping off your nuts cause your neighbors keep having kids’.

he goes on to make the point that police are irresponsible gun owners. like how can you say ‘black lives matter’ and then give the group responsible for killing them all the gnarly weapons?

not to sound too conspiratorial but in our parents life our government has planned false flag terrorism as a pretext to invade Cuba, left southern black men w/ Syphillus as human guinea pigs, destabilized the black community w/ CoInTelPro, put strictures on guns to stop the black panthers, invaded a few countries, bombed others so i mean, forgive my skepticism.

shit, the cops bombed a black family in Philadelphia, 1985.

if you have guns you don’t want/feel comfortable w/ may i suggest some alternatives to the police?

Mexico has revolutionary farmers fighting cartels.

our own militias may one day end up being the people’s armies.

rural people here or overseas. guns are just a tool, useful in their context. same as opiates help people in pain but get a bad rap.

i never gave the cops my heroin when a neighbor od’d.

also, if i ever find myself agreeing w/ the news, i’m wrong. people are dying all day, every day. writing this was already giving too much attention to a non-issue.

but yeah, isolated people do violence to people they’re jealous of. embrace them if you don’t wanna fear them.

liam gave me a ‘ryan gosling’ haircut. i’m on that wintertime ‘100 pushups, 60 crunches, jog a mile so you don’t get depressed’ program. my loopy ex bought me a down coat and i’m feeling very zeitgeist in an ironic fashion.

but, does everyone know it’s ironic? i like the idea of embracing all this white privilege i’ve been hearing about. to me, not being wicked thin and having your hair fall forward naturally is contrived and foreign. but 41 is hardly an urchin.

i wanted to skate, maybe sell some weed and meet a girl though for honest, i felt like false advertising and i wasn’t sure i want a girl who’s into a yuppie handsome jack.

so it was w/ that bourgie aesthetic i skated downtown for the first time in a long time.

ran into a traveling kid, pack-laden and searching for wormside. i goes ‘the diy skatepark under the c-c? i’ll take you there’.

i think having a weird older and half dapper skater mention the c-c went right past him the first time but i rode trains intermittently from 2002-2013 so i can chat the chat, hopefully not sound like an oogle.

his name was Trevor and he had enthusiasm for wormside. ‘just like burnside’ he agreed  and i told him ‘worcester is wormtown not wortown ergo it’s wormside not worside’.

i’m on that retrospective socialization and i want the world to adhere to my vision of the Paris of the 80s.

Trevor had a squat symbol on his cheek and ‘fuck off turd’ on his knuckles. he asked for weed and usually my autonomic response is ‘i don’t smoke, sorry’ but i remembered that not only am i a farmer but i’d actually wanted to sell some weed to finance my dental tourism in Costa Rica next month.

i internally debated half a second before offering him the choice to come w/ me or i could run up Grafton Hill and back. ‘do you need the money?’ he asked.

‘just come w/ if ya don’t mind the walk’ and we trudged uphill, stopping to show me a CSX flashlight he’d found on the tracks. a pretty PR girl smiled at me but whether due to Trevor’s cumbersome pack or cause i look cool as a white guy, who knows?

i measured him 5 or 6 grams for $40 and he put it in a blunt after showing him around my yard. i said w/out bragging ‘i’m kinda on that anarchist daydream of squatting land and growing my own shit. except i’m not squatting, after traveling the country i ended up back at my mom’s and i might as well never left. but it’s cool. i’ve got a wider mind than someone who’s never seen other places.’

he smoked the blunt while i turned over my compost. it was starting to turn from food waste to plant food at the bottom. i showed my father earlier and he’d said ‘you’re sounding like a capitalist, not the old michael’ and i scrambled something about helping my mother.

she came home, vaguely troubled that my hobo pal wasn’t a friend from my adventures in a previous life but a stray i’d taken home. ‘he wanted weed’ i justified.

she’s rad and ended up frying us some fish w/ spaghetti. and putting my ranger cookies on the table.

‘you might wanna put the cover back on those, i’m just saying’ Trevor warned me after 2.

he bought another $20 [3 grams, kid prices] and declined my mom’s offer to spend the night. i gave him my house number and joked about ‘put me on the c-c.’ i can be weedman but also i’d love to put trainkids to work when i gotta plant, weed, till, whatever. who knows, maybe i’d house a girl up and teach her bees and she’d stay?

it’s so crazy to realize you’re on this end of it after yrs of being the guest. i’m not totally comfortable or cognizant of how to do it. i offered him cigarettes in my freezer but forgot to pull them out. i did give him 3 pair of socks cause if you’ve been there you know they’re the one piece of clothes you wanna change.

should’ve gave a jar of honey but spaced that too. i suck.

Trevor told me it had been cold in Massachusetts and described it as ‘a bunch of snooty people in Canada down jackets ignoring you.’

i had to admit i, in fact had a down coat. different brand name but same look. but he liked my pacman/ms pacman kissing on traintracks tattoo so it wasn’t too awkward.

he had some gnarly plan that i kinda hope he looses the plot. like mashing north into Maine then Canada, trudging west to Nome, Alaska then to the Aleutians in a rubber raft. keep it moving, he thinks he can make it to Russia.

i won’t tell him he can’t.

he had another theory that ‘if i believe it’s nutritious then it is’. forget if he called it mental food or something to that effect. Tom Robbins once wrote ‘it’s better to eat a little of something good than a lot of something bad’. i mean, there’s a precedent, philosophically.

‘you think grass would be good for you?’

‘it could be, i’m taking in substances and my body will take something from it’.

‘then grass would be good for you.’

as Stencel was wont to say ‘i won’t tell him he’s wrong’.

photo

 

i got the call from CVS and caught my mom in the hall, cheating on sobriety returning from a packie run. i have her give me a ride and joke about ‘i need a suitcase w/ a handcuff attached.’

after an interminable wait behind Pats fans grumbling about the Super Bowl, the girl at the counter gets my script w/ no fanfare. ‘you want an ID?’ i offer.

when i’m picking up suboxin or benzos they always card. granted i can send Liam down but they wanna see ‘an’ ID if not ‘my’ ID.

no such luck on this. anyone w/ $3.65 and the knowledge of the script could’ve dropped my name and walked out w/ my $30,000 month’s supply of Harvoni.

tighten the fuck up, CVS on Grafton st!

i’ve never really felt privileged outside of times when you’re a runaway and privy to shooting stars or your out of work so you get to climb trees, read books or jump off waterfalls but that’s different.

fucking straight got laced w/ a cure for my ‘scumbag’s disease’ that they say you can get from eating ass but nobody does. 100% junkies got the hepsi and i faked it til i made it. then decided i was over it and just had to piss clean for a yr.

kinda seems too easy.

i got tons of friends who died already but i can name a few who, due to legal situations or living in Blood states instead of  Crip states can’t just get laced like i did. it’s arbitrary because, i for sure didn’t have $30 grand to drop. for honest, when i got denied for being honest about not having a whole year clean 8 months ago, i felt like Jigsaw from the Saw movies. i wanted to kill everyone in the medical field w/holding care and the lawyer/insurance pricks who decide who gets fixed and who doesn’t.

i oftentimes feel smug in saying ‘whoever’s president, i’m still gonna ride my skateboard, they’re still gonna bomb the middle east, nothing’s gonna change my world’ and i’m not wrong. but thanks Obama.

when i traveled for yrs and people helped me from the goodness of their hearts, America kept me alive. that charity was more of a republican version. which is not to say it was all or mostly republicans helping me out. only that it was a conscious decison vs from taxes to entitlements.

now i’m running all the blue programs i qualify for. i’ve always wanted an artist grant but fixing my liver is above and beyond. my plans were never much more complex than ‘i’m gonna hop a train here, get drunk, talk to that girl, try to ollie off those stairs, etc’.

i’m hyped. whether this is a good investment remains to be seen. i mean, it’s less than a politician makes, less than a cop makes and they’re more inclined to fuck you over. if it makes you mad, in the words of TK ‘don’t be mad at me, be mad the nigga negotiatin’ yo deals!’

or be mad at Martin Skrelli. i don’t know why shit costs what it does.

but i maybe feel for once that the place i live did me a solid. thanks, Mass, try to pay ya back someday.

DSCN1904i went out to the beeyard after a jog and it looked like a war or mass poisoning. there were bees stuck to the roofing paper like they were basking in sun til the wind caught em torpor and they stuck there lifeless as gargoyles.

i reached inside w/ the mouseguard and scraped out the dead into the snow. as i replaced it i caught a bee and her sister backstroking tiny snow angels but really they’re stuck upside down like junebugs.

i picked one up and the other, fancying myself ‘catcher in the rye’ and blow the cold off em. i warmed em in my hand and saw varroa one one’s back. the other seemed clean to me and i tried to give them a chance.

it did occur to me that bees may not want my hot breath and i may have been cockblocking suicide. what the sociologists call ‘altruistic suicide’, an infected or dying bee will crawl away from the hive to be someone else’s mess and not spread their cooties or consume any more resources.

i breathed movement into the 2 bees wings as we made our way to my other hive. i picked up some dead or snow torpored bees from outside this hive and breathed onto all of them together. one of the original bees fell out of my hand, the one w/ a varroa mite on her back like a semi precious stone.

i let her fall and watched as the remaining surviving bee started to grab a dead bee and attempt to drag it from my hand. the instinct to clean house was strong even away from her home.

i did think in my well meaning, life saving i could be the equivalent of waking a junkie up w/ NARCAN who clearly had ‘do not resuscitate’ tattooed on their collarbone. or a lawmaker keeping a comatose person on life support cause it appeals to their subjective sense of right.

i wondered if my garden i’m so proud of is an affront to the animals that grew up in the yard prior? i read this quote ‘some gardens that are referred to as retreats are really attacks’ and it’s meant an attack on modern consumer society but i think it’s also an attack on the wild environment.

sometimes i think every well intentioned act has more negative consequences than positive.

everyone’s got their diametrically opposed opinions and each one is so sure they’re right. it’s been agreed that prayer doesn’t do shit but sending positive energy to my bees will keep them alive, right? what is the modern thought, religious wishes don’t work but spiritual ones do?